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on doubt

‘the sage’

sometimes i wonder 

what i am actually doing here

like how did i get this position 

this role 

this right 

this responsibility

hey check me out

all propped up here

the supposed sage on stage

If that’s what this is

all embodied knowledge

and advice 

and correct path through life

wisdom and


and all righteous exemplar

who deemed me fit for this

smart enough

honorable enough

credible enough?

or was it me that made that call

hey check me out up here

i’m the self righteous exemplar

propped up by his own insatiable ego

or perhaps more puppet

than prophet

i dare not look up

for there a dubious hand

controlling tenuous strings

attached to my marionette mouth

full of hot air

why are they even here

why do they even care

you can find all the stuff i’m saying online i’m sure

why are you sitting there

watching me 

walk around and ramble on 

and who am i to ask

who you are and

what you stand for

sometimes i don’t think i should be here

when i scratch around in the farthest reaches

of myself

that’s one of the things i fear

that i’ll find

lurking there


and hanging out

in some dark dingy corner

just waiting patiently

for me

like it knew i’d eventually come

firm evidence 

that i have no right

to be offering anyone advice 

my knowledge questionable 

past unpublishable 

my philosophies problematical 



i shouldn’t be on this stage

i know me

i wouldn’t follow me

i don’t think they should follow me either.


teetering on the edge

of belief /  disbelief

you are on top of your game / you have absolutely no idea

you bask in the light / you wallow in the dark

f*ck could Palmer be right you became the dark?


Don’t shoot the second arrow

“If you were struck by an arrow, would you react by then shooting yourself with another arrow?” No. “But our minds do this all the time”. Incessant angst generated by a narrative we pull together ourselves – about ourselves – and lock in as “truth” (Hone, 2019). 



On doubt and intellectual phoniness – Dr. Pauline R. Clance and Dr. Suzanne A. Imes introduced this concept in the late seventies. Parker Palmer fought this and many other battles. This was one of his ways out – “If on the day I die I can say, ‘To the best of my ability – cutting myself some slack for my human flaws and fallibilities – I was faithful to my gifts, to the world’s needs as I saw them,’ then I can take my final breath with a feeling of satisfaction that I showed up on earth with what I had and offered it up to the world” (Palmer in Scolaro, 2015, p. 42).


Enemy / “innerme”

Larger than life mixed martial artist Kimbo Slice (Kevin Ferguson) literally fought his way off the streets into the Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) and then into an early grave. At some point he realised he wasn’t fighting enemies he was fighting his “innerme”. Kimbo was one of those amazing paradoxes – intimidating and violent with a high end ability to shut your lights out – but by all accounts was one of the nicest guy you could ever meet. Smart too – we all battle the innerme. He had a big heart. Too big. RIP Kimbo Slice.


Number of times “me”, “myself’, “i”, and “I’m” has been typed in that piece: 28. 

That is 28 points to attach that self-told narrative. And also 28 chances to let it go. Aldous Huxley always said, “the urge to transcend self-conscious selfhood is the principle appetite for the soul” (Huxley, 1954, p42). He was after the not-self for a reason. We cause our own suffering. It lies in our inability to get what we want – fear of losing what we have – and our habit of never being satisfied (Mahathera, 2019).


Image: Light / Dark / Renovation Work / Fish & Chip Shop / Cabarita, NSW / 22 / 05 / 2020


mediation is the great teacher” (Mahathera, 2019, p. 10).

chase thoughts with no thinker


1. Scolaro, N. (2015, August). Parker Palmer Is Living The Questions, Dumbo Feather (44), 25 

2. Hone, J. 2019. On shooting the second arrow. Dumbo Feather.

3. Langford, Joe; Clance, Pauline Rose (Fall 1993). “The impostor phenomenon: recent research findings regarding dynamics, personality and family patterns and their implications for treatment” (PDF). Psychotherapy: Theory, Research, Practice, Training30 (3): 495–501.

4. Slice, K. Slice of Life – Legend of Kimbo Slice, South District Films. 

5. Huxley, A. 1954. The Doors Of Perception. Chatto & Windus. Great Britain.

6. Mahathera, H.G. 1991. Mindfulness In Plin English. The Corporate Body of the Bhudda Educational Foundation, Taiwan.